


If You Want Reese’s Pieces, Prepare For War

by oddegg



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Nonsense, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 14:31:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17045471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddegg/pseuds/oddegg
Summary: Non-seasonal festivities, and TRAINING MONTAGES, and cookies, oh my!





	If You Want Reese’s Pieces, Prepare For War

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alexcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/gifts).



> Happy yuletide, alexcat! I hope this ridiculous nonsense is something close to how you like your Deadpool - also full of nonsense :)

“…and THAT, Colossus, is why I throat punched that nun. And that _other_ nun. Can you stop dangling me head first off this bridge now?”

**Wait.**

Record scratch even though the kids don’t understand what that is now. Freeze frame. Then be kind and rewind.

 

Yep, that’s me. Deadpool. I bet you’re wondering how I ended up in this situation. You may also be wondering how I know you’re there, trying to be so sneaky and hiding behind that fourth wall. Well go ahead and sit that cute little butt of yours down on jolly old Wade’s knee and he’ll tell you.

That’s… not my knee.

No, it’s ok. You don’t have to move.

 

***

 

‘Twas the night before an ordinary weekend, and all through the Xavier mansion, every creature was stirring – because it was only 9pm and you try to get a school full of teenagers to be asleep and quiet by then.

Colossus was reading something as massive and Russian as himself, Cable, who had begun to drop in every so often – ostensibly to ‘keep an eye on Firefist’ (“It’s _Russell,_ you dick! God – putting up with your overbearing arse might be the thing to turn me evil in this reality, y’know!”), but in reality more for the company and to act oddly twitchy around Cyclops – was cleaning his big future gun (hashtag #notaeuphemism), and the teens were watching some cooking show on Netflix.

There was a faint scrabbling sound, then muffled banging and swearing and then slowly every head turned to the ridiculously huge and obsolete fireplace as a shower of dust and age-old soot came down in the middle of it. A small animal skull and some tiny bones bounced down to make tiny clinks against the tiles of the hearth, and then, with a last bang and a muttered _“Santa doesn’t have this fucking trouble…”_ Deadpool’s head popped down. There was a brief pause.

“Hi!” Deadpool said, just a shade too brightly “Just the group of stalwart heroes I was looking for!”

Yukio waved “Hi Wade!”, Negasonic slumped down deeper into the couch cushions and Cable silently began to put away his gun cleaning gear.

Colossus sighed and asked “Wade, why do you not come in through the front door?”

The answer grunted out as Deadpool continued to extract himself awkwardly from the chimney “That would – fuck – tarnish my wonderful – balls – air of whimsy, my sexy – _crapsack!_ – silver studmuffin. Ow.” He added as he landed, legs askew. He looked around and gave Colossus what might have been a disapproving look. It was difficult to tell under the mask. “I’m noticing a distinct lack of non-denominational festive cheer here guys. No stockings, no tree, no life-size flashing LED models of Donner kebab, Blitzen, Squeaky Fromme and the reindeer crew. The ghosts of Christmas won’t be coming happily all over you with this kind of attitude.”

Russell squirmed round to face Deadpool over the arm of the couch “That’s probably ‘cos it’s the middle of summer and nowhere near Christmas.”

Deadpool waved that minor detail away. “We can have Christmas in July. They have that in Australia, right Russell? I saw it in that Australian show with the flapper detective lady who I definitely wouldn’t mind tying my kangaroo down.”

“I’m from fucking New Zealand, you dick. We don’t do Christmas in July.”

“Well we should do it anyway. Because I want to get loaded on eggnog and because it’s my most favouritest holiday of the year.”

Negasonic smirked at the tv screen and asked, “Not International Women’s Day then?”

“I **_knew_** I would regret telling you about that.”

Ignoring Negasonic’s flat “I’m a teenage girl. You shouldn’t have been telling me about it in the first place.” Deadpool added thoughtfully “I have to admit that holiday grew on me with practice and a lot more lube, but we can’t talk about it in a fic with this rating.”

Cable looked at him blankly and said “I have no idea what you’re talking about 95% of the time, and I’m pretty sure it’s not because I’m from the future.” before stowing the last bit of his gear in his future fanny pack and leaving without acknowledging Deadpool’s cry of “Snookums! Was it something I said?!”

Colossus pinched the bridge of his nose. “Wade… It is late. The students need to be sleeping soon. Is this urgent?”

“YES!” Deadpool cried “I have a neminisisis… I don’t know how to spell it or say it but there’s a bad person and you need to help me take them down!”

“Right now?”

“Well, I suppose strictly speaking it can wait until I’ve gathered my weapons and cleaned my weapons and then “cleaned” my “weapon” and yes, those air quotes do imply what you think they do, and of course we _have_ to have a training montage, which means I need to curate the perfect playlist…”

Colossus sighed quietly and crept out during Deadpool’s monologue. Maybe this would have sorted itself out by morning.

 

***

 

“Good morning sunshine! I may have humped your leg a little while you were asleep.”

Colossus thought Wade had many good qualities (a lot of them quite deeply hidden), but he had to admit waking to the sight of Deadpool in your bed was a little disturbing. Particularly when he was sans costume but avec tiny gold booty shorts and a pink t shirt obviously sized for a child that said, ‘Future trophy wife’.

Wade slapped Colossus on the hip and jumped out of the bed “Come on lazy bones, you’re going to miss the eggs and bacon and the going on the warpath! Also, someone needs to make the eggs and bacon because I’m more of a toaster strudel level of master chef.”

He skipped out the door and then popped his head back in to add “Oh, and when I said ‘may’ have humped your leg I meant ‘definitely’, so you’re probably going to want to shower.” before leaving. Colossus could hear him start to sing My Humps as he went down the corridor.

Colossus sighed.

 

***

 

Wade was sitting on the kitchen island when Colossus made his way down to the kitchen, swinging his legs and talking to Yukio, while Negasonic scowled at her bowl of cereal and Russell whisked eggs with more enthusiasm than skill.

“I still find it VERY strange that I never see any of the other X-Men when I come over. A paranoid man would think they were avoiding me, which is obviously ridiculous because I am a god-damn _delight._ It doesn’t help that I’m never sure which version of continuity we’re in, so I don’t know if I’m jerking it to ex-Bond girl or Sansa Stark Jean Grey or if she’s even alive right now, and I have enough sexy dead women in my life to have confusing feelings about.”

Colossus pushed him off the counter top as he went passed to take over cooking from Russell “Wade, do not talk like that in front of the children.”

“They’re not children, you Russian Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em. They’re _young adults._ ” All three teens nodded firmly at this. Wade continued “And if you don’t think they have each jerked it all over this school then you are _wildly_ deluded.” All three teens grimaced and then glared at Wade.

“Fine!” Wade flounced “But we all know the truth here! I’m going to get ready for our training montage.” He trailed his fingers sadly over the fridge and gave Colossus a tragic look as he left “Fridges remind me of Vanessa…”

“…What the fuck?” asked Russell.

Colossus sighed. “With Wade, it is often best not to ask. Now eat your eggs.”

 

***

 

After breakfast Colossus washed and put away the dishes.

(“TRAINING MONTAGE!” yelled a fully costumed Deadpool as he chased a screaming Russell passed the kitchen down the corridor.)

Then he put on a couple of industrial sized loads of laundry.

(“It’s amazing how that aspect of running a school gets neglected in the comics.” said Deadpool seriously before screaming “TRAINING MONTAGE!” and drawing his katanas to jump out of the window after Negasonic.)

Colossus went upstairs to change into his costume (“Training montage!” giggled Deadpool as he slid down the banister with Yukio.), and then came down to find Deadpool in the tv room. He crossed his arms.

“Wade, why do you try to make us run around? Now you are watching Cake Failures, this is not emergency activity.”

“TRAINING MONTAGE ADVERTISEMENT BREAK! I prefer to use Betty Crocker cake mix for MY cake failures, because only the best will do. Dazzling smile.” said Deadpool. The mask moved over his face in a manner that suggested a wide, fixed grin underneath.

Colossus looked around carefully “Who are you talking to Wade? Also, did you just _say_ ‘Dazzling smile’?”

“TRAINING MONTAGE SMOKE BOMB!”

“That was just a handful of flour, Wade. Also, you are still standing there. You are cleaning that up before we go.”

 

*** 

 

When they finally piled out of the mansion (“Your training is finally complete, my little padawans and giant, strapping padawan. Now we can go and fight our enemy and discover the true evil was the friends we made along the way- ow, ow, fine! I’ll clear up the damn flour!”), a battered yellow taxi was waiting for them. Dopinder waved happily from the driver’s seat. Domino, leaning against the hood, raised an eyebrow casually. The sight of her appeared to give Deadpool pause.

“Ah. I didn’t know you would be joining us.”

“I happened to be in the area.” She smiled brightly at him “Wasn’t that lucky?”

Deadpool pointed a gloved finger at her “Ok! But I still don’t believe in your stupid superpower and you have to take the front seat because _I_ get to sit on Colossus’s knee.”

Colossus looked as delighted by that prospect as most people would imagine. Not Deadpool, obviously, because he was a maniac, but anyone normal.

Domino said, “I’m taking my bike.”

Deadpool turned his pointy finger to Russell “Then _you_ have to take the front seat because _I-”_

“Get to sit on Colossus’s knee. I know.”

“Is there any scenario where you weren’t going to sit on his knee?” asked Domino with mild interest.

Deadpool steepled his index fingers to his lips and stood in thought for a moment. “…No.” he said eventually. Colossus sighed.

 

*** 

 

“We gonna hook Weasel into the plans?” Russell asked as the cab hit the highway.

“Ah. No. It turns out Weasel’s actor is a thoroughly unpleasant person and the author didn’t want to include him. He’s dead from scrotum maggots now. Flowers can be sent to Sister Margaret's Home for Wayward Girls. He will not be missed.”

“And what about Al?”

“It’s the strangest thing, but when I asked her she told me to go fuck myself. It’s almost as if she doesn’t like me.”

“Imagine that.” Negasonic deadpanned.

“But enough of these questions!” Deadpool wriggled himself firmly down on Colossus’s lap “Onward to our enemy! Let nothing divert us!” he lunged forward into the front of the cab “But don’t take the exit for 7th, that’ll take us downtown and I just don’t trust Petula Clark when it comes to directions.”

 

***

 

“Ooh ooh OOH! Turn here, Dopinder! **TUURRRN!** ”

Everyone screamed and clutched at whatever they could as the cab screeched across three lanes of traffic, briefly on two wheels, in order to make the exit Deadpool was yelling about. The screaming continued over the next intersection and only trailed off as the cab pulled into the parking lot of a large shopping mall.

“What the fuck?” Russell asked, “The enemy you want to fight is at the mall?”

“No, duh! Ice skating!” Deadpool scrambled out of the cab, getting his ass in Colossus’s face as much as possible, which it turned out was a lot “We’re still doing Christmas in July.”

“I’m still from New Zealand, and you’re still a dick!” Russell yelled as he chased after him.

Negasonic and Yukio followed at a more leisurely pace. Colossus met Dopinder’s anxious smile in the rear-view mirror and motioned they should both get out too. He sighed and decided to call the headache he was developing ‘Wade’.

At least nothing too bad could happen at a mall.

 

***

 

The cab sped out of the parking lot chased by security guards, Colossus in the back seat holding Deadpool’s left arm at the shoulder as Russell leaned over from the front seat and applied duct tape as neatly as he could in a moving vehicle. “It is ice skating, Wade. **_Ice skating at a mall._** How… _How_ did you manage to chop an arm off?”

“Megasulky Teenage Warthog can’t do a triple lutz to save her life. But on the plus side her sparkly unicorn girlfriend gave me a smiley face band aid to put on it! Thank you, Yukio. Admittedly due to the ol’ regeneration superpowers skin and flesh grew _over_ the band aid and I had to dig it back out with a VERY big knife and seeing that may have made a woman faint, but she didn’t look like a very nice woman so it’s all good. However, the security guards didn’t see it that way and they did mention something about us all being banned for life.” Deadpool turned to Dopinder in the front “Also for any future reincarnated lives, sorry about that.”

“It is quite alright, Mr Pool. I much prefer roller disco to ice skating.” Dopinder smiled happily to himself “The athleticism, the music, the innocence, the costumes! My love of it was inspired by a pornographic movie I once saw.”

There were several beats of silence before everyone collectively decided that yeah, they weren’t going to start unpacking all the wrong in that sentence.

“That’s great, Dopinder old buddy. Say – why don’t you pull the cab on in to this street here? For some reason totally unrelated to your massive oversharing we suddenly feel like walking the rest of the way.”

“Also” Deadpool squinted out of the window “That’s Domino over there. What a co-incidence.”

 

*** 

 

“ ** _THERE!!_** ”

Colossus looked up from watching with faint horror as Domino worked on the unicorn frappe she was – eating? Drinking? He didn’t know which was more applicable. Deadpool had bought it from an ice cream parlour they’d gone passed, loaded it with even more sprinkles and toppings than was really structurally sound (Colossus thought he’d seen an actual penny go in there), then handed it over with a breezy “I’m saving my heiney for Jesus so I’m watching my figure.” Domino had shrugged and taken it. Sometimes it was best not to argue.

“There? What is there Wade?”

“Our _destiny!_ ” hissed Deadpool. “Also our destination. Our destinyation!” He threw a pose so dramatic Colossus thought he heard something dislocate “Our… **_FOE!!!_** ”

Everyone looked down the block. There was a small group on the corner, just in front of a mini-mart. Small in number, because there were only three of them, and small in stature.

Because they were girl scouts.

They had a small table with boxes of cookies on it.

Before anyone could react, Deadpool strode forward. “Madison!! I’m calling you out!”

The smallest girl of the three – freckled, red hair in pigtails, tiny, adorable – narrowed her eyes and said “ ** _You_**.”, somehow managing to get a lisp in a word with no s in it.

She snapped out “Addison! Makayla! It’s that weirdo again.” and the two other girl scouts stepped forward to flank her, arms crossed, like gang muscle if gang muscle was under five foot and had red brace wire to match the frames of their plastic glasses, or large, soft ponytail puffs tied up with pink ribbon.

“Wait.” said Deadpool, briefly distracted, “You’re Madison and your friend is named Addison? Really?”

The girl with braces and glasses, presumably Addison, stepped forward to stare Deadpool down. Or up, given her height. “Yeah, you want to make something out of it, **_punk_**?”

“I love this kid.” said Negasonic, with complete sincerity. Addison glanced over and gave her a tiny nod, one bad-ass to another.

Domino put her hands in her pockets and rocked on her heels “You do realise we are absolutely not going to fight girl scouts, right Wade? This is crazy even for you.”

Deadpool whirled his arms “But they were mean to me!”

“We were polite until you started shouting!”

“And they refused to sell me what I wanted!”

“We _told_ you chocolate peanut butter Christmas trees aren’t a girl scout cookie!”

“And they’re obviously evil! Just look at their beady little eyes!”

“That’s **_IT!_** ”

Colossus wasn’t sure which of the girls it was who yelled that, but it was definitely Addison that kicked Deadpool sharply on the ankle, and it was Makayla who pulled out a softball bat from somewhere and applied it with force and precision to Deadpool’s – well, balls.

The whole situation quickly deteriorated from there.

Domino quietly tried to interest Yukio in a bet on the fight. Yukio refused cheerfully, saying that Deadpool was a trained mercenary up against three 4th grade girls. “Of course, he is going to lose.”

Russell made an attempt to even the odds. “That is my beloved mentor and greatest friend!” he yelled as Colossus held him back by his collar, “I must defend him!”

Behind them the door of the mini-mart opened and then an annoyed, older sister type of voice shouted “God damn it Makayla! I was _literally_ only gone for, like, five minutes!”

Colossus swung round, still holding Russell, to see a tall girl of around fifteen glaring at the whirlwind of fighters. She then transferred her glare to the X-Men, and stabbed a finger in Deadpool’s direction.

“Do you know this maniac? He was harassing us yesterday too.”

Russell paused for all of, ooh, nearly a whole second before betraying his beloved mentor and greatest friend.

“Never seen him before in my life.”

Deadpool partly fell out of the small flurry of kicking sandals, managing to scream “Russell! Help me!” before being dragged back in via a wedgie. Russell ignored the commotion and pushed his hair back nonchalantly. “So. You fancy going ice skating some time? But not at the mall down the way ‘cos we’re banned for life.”

Makayla’s sister was looking at Russell a bit like he was a bug, but also like a bug that was doing something interesting, and like she could be persuaded to be entomologically inclined.

Negasonic rolled her eyes before burying her face in Yukio’s neck with a groan. “ _God!_ Fucking straight boys – such a disaster.” Yukio patted her back soothingly “I know, it’s ok! We’ll find a way to deal with them when we take over the world.”

Colossus did a double take “What?!”

Before anyone could answer one of the 4th graders in the brawl managed to flip Deadpool, sending him high in the air, soaring close over their heads to land…

Smack in the middle of the cookie stand. Boxes, spilled cookies, splinters, and carefully glittered home-made sign debris sprayed everyone, apart from Domino who escaped every bit of it, and who put out her hand just in time to catch a perfectly intact box of cookies. “Juliettes. My favourite.”

Makayla’s sister frowned. “I don’t remember those being on the order.”

Deadpool raised a dazed head “Didn’t they stop making those in the mid 90s…?” An outraged scream cut him off.

Domino smiled and bit into one of the soft, caramel cookies as a tiny figure sailed passed, red pigtails flying, to perform a perfect elbow drop on Deadpool’s face. “Just lucky I guess.” she said through crumbs.

Colossus sighed.

 

*** 

 

And there we have it, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen and non-binary persons, and any sentient non-human persons that happen to be reading this – say certain racoons who have always intrigued me with the possibilities of their dextrous paws (call me, you little furry love god, and I’ll help put the Rocket in your pocket) – that is the lovingly told story of the evening.

 

Yes, I know I didn’t explain the nuns.

 

Now why don’t I show you what I did to get on Santa’s _very_ naughty boy list?


End file.
